I'm packing up the apartment for our trip out to Philly at the end of the week. It's with mixed emotions that I'm leaving. Kentucky truly is a beautiful place. If you've never been, you should make a trip out. The blue grass really is as gorgeous as people say. I feel that I barely got to know the people who are my friends here. It's difficult to tell which relationships will follow me through to Philly.
And then there's what's been going on with my body. As of this Friday, I was 8.5 weeks pregnant. I was actually very excited to write about that on this blog and had all kinds of plans for recording the variations that I was coming up with for some of the poses. I had been taking it easy in my practice and only taking practice when I felt up to it. Then, on Friday, we went for our first ultra sound.
The ultra sound showed and empty space. The technicians and doctors looked around and tried different types of equipment for about an hour. Then, they had to tell me and the husband that unfortunately, there was not fetus. Apparently, this is called a "blighted ovum." There was conception and maybe some early cell division, but the zygote was absorbed before it could become an embryo. However, the body continues to think it's pregnant, grows a placenta, and continues to give symptoms of pregnancy.
As I attempt to process this loss, I'm going through a string of emotions, anger, disappointment, sadness, despair, existential angst. Then I go to rational Polyanna stage, "well, the timing was terrible anyway, with the new job" "this is the way the body takes care of what's not meant to be" etc. I try to sit with the emotions and watch them like a "good" yogini, but honestly, I find myself looking for distraction in the t.v., internet, and food.
I also think of my friends who have been through this. It's partly to honor them that I decided to write about it. When one of my friends was going through this, I could only think how isolated she must have felt, how although 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage, no one talks about it. So, I'm trying to do my best to talk about it.
Tomorrow I go for a procedure called a "d and c" to remove the placenta. Apparently, the body heals fairly quickly. It's the spirit that takes more time. For that, I have my practice, my community, and my loved ones.