Saturday, June 18, 2011

moving forward

It has been approximately one month since I learned of my miscarriage and had my surgery. This morning I came across this great blog post on miscarriage that almost brought me to tears.  One of the things that she touches on is how isolating the experience can be.  She offers up some thoughts on things that friends and relatives can say and do to help.

Honestly, I don't think that there is much to be said that can be helpful.  Everyone lives the experience differently.  I think that on my part, for the few friends and family members that do know about my experience, I've tried to be compassionate towards them.  I realize that seems a little backwards, but it's difficult to know what to do about someone else's grief.  Just as we shouldn't tell other people how to grieve, I think it's also difficult to tell other people how to react to our grief. What we need in one minute, we might not in the next.  What may seem insensitive at one moment, may ring true at another.  Grief is an organic, fluid thing. 

For one, I would say that I have wonderful friends and family and haven't really received any reactions that I found particularly hurtful.  The toughest part for me has just been that everyone else has moved on - and why shouldn't they - while I'm still dealing with the physical and emotional repercussions.  This includes even those closest to me.

And then there is the added bonus of living somewhere new and making all of these new contacts, none of whom have any idea of what I've been through in the last month.  I can't figure out if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

So I find myself mostly sorting through my feelings on my own.  At the same time that I struggle with mixed emotions (yes, I said mixed - sadness, guilt, relief, despair), I'm also struggling with physical manifestations, in particular, rapid weight gain.  I don't know if the weight gain is because I haven't had a period yet or because I'm back on birth control until I see a doctor again or maybe a combination of the two.  It could also be from the stress.  In any event, it's certainly not helping me feel better.

But I am seeing some signs of healing.  This has been my first full week of practice, mostly practicing intermediate.  Kapotasana is still a bit stiff - I think I can push myself farther, but am letting fear keep me back.  My handstands came back for the first time on Thursday and drop backs are feeling natural again. 

I'm reading the Hatha Yoga Pradipika in the evenings.  It's really helping me take to my mat in the mornings.  I may start making a list here of my favorite aphorisms...stay tuned for that project.


  1. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. I look forward to the aphorism project :) Sending you some love, let me know when you're headed back for a visit to Boston! :)


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